My mother too finally said after I went on long India bashing session that perhaps her generation was more tolerant of things, more mature even. She returned from Germany many years ago and also found a ton of things unacceptable. But she stayed and she thrived.
I had to agree with her. This is where the whole spoilt brat bit comes in. I'm not very tolerant or accepting of a great many things. I may even be a malcontent. A total loser.
But I am what I am and based on that I had to decide.
Last night I watched the documentary 'Inside Job' a powerhouse expose' on the financial crisis that shook Wall Street thanks to CDOs (collateral debt obligations) and sub prime mortgages and a boat load of greed. And suddenly I was wondering about the place we had come back to. And Obama, who was the great hope for change brought back every single last one of the big wigs who were part of the financial collapse. Few of the people responsible for the mess are in power, making zillions, unscathed.
I knew all this in theory but it was all brought back to me in a capsule that was so hard hitting.
Now suddenly every investment is suspect. The rating agencies are paid by the ones they rate. Who do you believe when the entire world seems to be in the hands of a handful of immoral men? And the foolish Americans who bought more house than they could afford are claiming to be victims. How idiotic! Yes the mortgage brokers were unscrupulous but everyone should know what they are signing, shouldn't they? Everyone is so entitled here. So full of their own wants and desires. Everything is about consumerism, acquiring more, having more and more and more.
The point is...there are problems everywhere. Big, small.
Yes I might have lived in India and found happiness. And maybe even made a huge difference helping people like I wanted to do. I plan to do that still but from here. Still truth is I miss that I cannot help those people I was surrounded by who were so in need. And helping them was so easy and so fulfilling.
But the truth also is that life has to be lived every single day. Not in chunks of achievements that happen every so often. Certainly not in leaps of years and months when incidents happen that make life worthwhile--the birth of your child, gratitude, a life helped, a promotion, a new kitchen, a new car, a successful business deal--whatever.
Life is lived every single day. Every hour, every minute. The drudge of daily living, or the routine or whatever you may call it, has to be experienced at all times. It is with you all the time.
I loved the idea of India as a long term plan. The place where we stay close to our heritage, where our sons grew up with positive western influences and yet surrounded by and living in a country so rich in arts, crafts, traditions, rituals and people and food. There is vibrant brilliant color in every aspect of life there.
But I could not live in India on a daily basis. I didn't like the idea of the everyday ritual in India--I just could not adjust to it. It was a novelty for a few months at a time. But not forever.
Forever, as I said, is a very long time. In India the daily life makes my mind shut down, I don't feel free, don't feel like anything if possible.
In America, I'm not so sure about the long term. It's not a bag of nuts I fully understand with respect to bringing up children, especially. I don't know if I can protect them from the sex, drugs and too fast growing up.
But everyday, I feel charged here. Capable, free. Anything can happen is how I feel here.
And so this is what I decided to choose. Because unfortunately I'm just an ordinary person who couldn't look beyond and sacrifice the everyday for the sake of the long term. Having an unhappy mother wasn't good for kids no matter how good their surroundings was the wisdom I received from wise minds and tongues. I had to agree.
It was a revelation of my ugly weaknesses. It made me look deeper at myself than before. It wasn't a pretty sight but it was something I had to accept about myself.
Now that I know it, I just hope I can live with it.
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