Cold feet

I sat in my older son's now empty room feeding my younger one. The slightest sound either of us made echoed back to us from the picture less, sterile walls, the empty closets, the noiseless corridor.

I felt a chill run down my spine. This is a mistake I told myself, panicking. Why am I leaving a country and home I love? This is my home, it is the place that has made me the wiser, tough, sensible person I am today. Why? why? why?

Ok Ranjini, this is nothing but a case of cold feet. Natural under the circumstances, I tried to tell myself.

That night I promptly fell ill, got chills, body, random flu-ish symptoms. I was going from room to room like a zombie, not able to get organized. There was little stuff everywhere. A rattle here, a stapler there, some coins, a set of headphones, unmade beds, old nail polish, mis matched socks, broken toys. So much junk, I thought, wincing every time, yet unable to pick stuff up and throw them away. Unable to do anything more than stare at the objects and walk on to the next room only to find more.

Once more I sat down and asked myself what we were doing and why? Everyone keeps saying we are so brave. I wish they wouldn't. I don't feel at all brave. And why is it a brave thing what we're doing?

The only encouragement I got was from my babysitter. She came to pick up her last check and wasn't sentimental in the least. Done packing, she asked? Some, I said.

She looks around raises her hands to her face and says with child like glee, "Ooh Exciting!"

Hmm I didn't think of it that way. It was all gloom gloom so far.

Exciting? Sure. An adventure. India. Hell yeah! In more ways than I care to mention.

Today the cold feet has passed. Or more like reality has set in.

Now this is a reversible action. In every single way. We wouldn't attempt it if it weren't. We aren't that brave.

One thing is for sure.

We will find out exactly how brave we are in oh.....about 48 hours.

Next post from India. Stay tuned.