Cold feet

I sat in my older son's now empty room feeding my younger one. The slightest sound either of us made echoed back to us from the picture less, sterile walls, the empty closets, the noiseless corridor.

I felt a chill run down my spine. This is a mistake I told myself, panicking. Why am I leaving a country and home I love? This is my home, it is the place that has made me the wiser, tough, sensible person I am today. Why? why? why?

Ok Ranjini, this is nothing but a case of cold feet. Natural under the circumstances, I tried to tell myself.

That night I promptly fell ill, got chills, body, random flu-ish symptoms. I was going from room to room like a zombie, not able to get organized. There was little stuff everywhere. A rattle here, a stapler there, some coins, a set of headphones, unmade beds, old nail polish, mis matched socks, broken toys. So much junk, I thought, wincing every time, yet unable to pick stuff up and throw them away. Unable to do anything more than stare at the objects and walk on to the next room only to find more.

Once more I sat down and asked myself what we were doing and why? Everyone keeps saying we are so brave. I wish they wouldn't. I don't feel at all brave. And why is it a brave thing what we're doing?

The only encouragement I got was from my babysitter. She came to pick up her last check and wasn't sentimental in the least. Done packing, she asked? Some, I said.

She looks around raises her hands to her face and says with child like glee, "Ooh Exciting!"

Hmm I didn't think of it that way. It was all gloom gloom so far.

Exciting? Sure. An adventure. India. Hell yeah! In more ways than I care to mention.

Today the cold feet has passed. Or more like reality has set in.

Now this is a reversible action. In every single way. We wouldn't attempt it if it weren't. We aren't that brave.

One thing is for sure.

We will find out exactly how brave we are in oh.....about 48 hours.

Next post from India. Stay tuned.

Today I refused to say goodbye to my sister

The image of her standing with her face to the wall, her silky black head bent low, her back to me as she softly cried will be stained in my mind forever.

I was leaving her house, my hand caressing her beautiful daughter's soft cheek. That was when she realized that I won't see her daughter for a long time. She gasped. The enormity of it all had hit her and she began to cry. I began to cry. Until then it was okay, I was visiting them as I usually did. We were able to be ourselves, laugh, talk, act as if nothing was about to toss our lives in a different turn forever.

Now I couldn't bear it. I hugged her quickly, not wanting to see her tear streaked face and I left the warmth of her home.

About five years ago I met a young woman at a mom and tot class. She was pretty, cheerful, smart. Mother of a 9 month old. My son was 9 months old also. Turned out our kids' birthdays were two days apart.

I knew as we interacted that first time that I wanted to be friends with her.

I thought her so outgoing, so laid back. She said that that wasn't her at all. She said she didn't normally let her guard down and get too close to people but seeing as we were going to be moving to India soon it would be a risk free friendship.

Boy was she wrong. My husband and I didn't make concrete plans to move because year after and year something kept preventing us from doing so. Bad real estate market, our business needed to be more established, we didn't feel ready...blah, blah blah.

And so in the meantime, we just kept getting closer. Her son was born, her kids started calling me Maushi (aunty in Marathi). I started to see her as the sister I never had.

It wasn't hard to get close to her. She is funny--the best story teller, charming, sweetly silly.

An absolute darling.

I'm not one for idle banter and usually get bored by ordinary chatter. Maybe it's the elitist in me, maybe it's the loner. But with her, I can yak about next to nothing for hours and hours. And enjoy it no end.

I fell in love with her. And now the once risk free friendship has become fraught with more emotion that either of us ever imagined it would. But I am so glad it became what it did. For she will always be the little sister I can chat with, hang out with, the little sister I can spoil. I just LOVE getting her things.

Thank you my dear for giving me that joy. I look forward to many, many years of that joy.

And in return give me your clever jokes, your gossip, your banter, your charm, your friendship.

Dear sister, I am grateful to the forces that brought you into my life.

I will see you soon. Very soon. I refuse to say goodbye.

The beginning of the end

We leave Chicago in 11 days. The house is a mess, boxes are everywhere, suitcases lie all over with mouths wide open, clothes spilling out.

The house has suddenly become different. Everything has become different.

I feel as though I am detaching myself from things that have been familiar for almost a decade now. People, favorite places, trees, parks, quiet walks.

Even the air is starting to feel different. Its like visiting a new place. Everyone around you has been there, is there all around you functioning, living, being, almost not noticing all that is around them because it has been around them and will be around them always. But you are a tourist. That paneled railway station ceiling that everyone else ignores looks fascinating and you want to know everything there is to know about that obscure little church around the corner from the hotel. You are removed from the local masses, but only just. A thin film of air surrounds you making you aloof from the everyday of that place.

You are after all a tourist, a visitor.

I am starting to feel this way now. Sort of.

I am trying to stay busy, horribly busy so my mind focuses on the task of moving and only moving. I will start to "miss" soon enough. Why go through that pain now?

Most times I feel enthusiastic, excited about a new future. There is something to be said about purging all things old and making room for the new. I am a wanna be minimalist and it is therefore a wonderful feeling throwing away stuff, clearing out the cobwebs in my life and as a result in my mind. I am amazed that I am feeling this way. I had anticipated going to pieces, breaking down every now and then but that hasn't happened. Haven't shed a tear. Can't afford to as it happens, since I get blinding headaches whenever I cry. Even when friends get teary I am staying strong. It is hard, so hard but I am able to prevail without letting a single tear slide out.

It is time, I am able to say loud enough for my inner most fears to hear and believe. And also to mean it.

For it is. Ten years in one place, albeit lovely and idyllic is good enough. The mind needs to explore more, seek more, adventure more.

Yes it is time for change and for the first time, I actually feel prepared for it. Of course this minute, all is peaceful. The sun is setting, the breeze blowing in my direction is a cool one, the kids are behaving themselves.

Tomorrow promises to be another super busy day, filled with more boxes, more bags, more junk to have dilemmas over.

Heaven knows how long this feeling of serene confidence will last.

I give it 48 hours. The packing will be all done. Then I'll go ballistic.